


Moving On

by miss_fictions



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, ereri, past farlan x levi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-20 11:04:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3647955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_fictions/pseuds/miss_fictions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an attack, Eren is hospitalized at Trost Hospital’s mental ward for thirty days. Without any hope that one day he’d manage to control his disorder, he meets Levi, and one sees in the other the force they needed to face their problems and move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving On

**Author's Note:**

> [--HIATUS-- Someday I might finish this story, but right now I can't find the muse to continue it... Sorry guys!]
> 
> I'm back!  
> I began writing this story while I was finishing Bluegreen Summer. It's completely inspired by the books and movies from It's kind of a funny story and The perks of being a wallflower (especially the first one, you'll soon notice).  
> It'll be divided in two parts and I'm still working on the next one.  
> Hope you guys enjoy and have a nice reading! :3
> 
> Portuguese version can be found here: http://fanfiction.com.br/historia/605436/Seguindo_em_frente/capitulo/1/

I wake up and see a white ceiling that looks nothing like my room’s, that is blue with stars that glow in the dark – childish, I know. My movements are heavy and, when I try to stand up, I realize I’m on a hospital stretcher. Before I could remember how I ended there, someone opens the door of the small room.

“Finally the sleeping beauty woke up!” A lady in glasses enters, closing the door and following to sit on the chair in front of me. She wears a doctor’s coat with a name tag on the right pocket, and I stare at it to try reading her name. She notices what I’m trying to do and chuckles. “I’m Dr. Hanji Zoe, Eren. I’m going to take care of you through all your stay here.”

“Where am I?” The question I mostly wanted to ask escapes my lips.

“You don’t remember how you got here?” She answers with her own question, fixing her glasses.

I repeat the question mentally, trying to remember. The images were disconnected and I could only see flashes of what seemed to be last night. Or was it a dream?

“I…” I begin, still confused with my own thoughts. “I think I went to a college party with my sister and some friends…”

“Uhum.” Hanji grabs, from the table behind her, a pen and a clipboard with a form to begin writing.

“I don’t remember anything straight.” I say, forcing my memory. All I could see were scenes out of order, that didn’t seem to make sense.

“Try to tell me in the way it comes to your mind.” She asks me, calm. Something told me she already knew everything and was only testing me, but I ignore that and continue trying to organize my thoughts.

“I remember getting a drink for me and for her one moment…” I furrow my eyebrows, forcing the most I could. “I remember a weird girl… I guess she was hitting on me. I don’t know if it was really that. But I spent some time with her, without my sister.”

“I understand.” Hanji continues writing. “And you know where Mikasa was while that?”

I feel something bad when she says my sister’s name. She really knew everything already and was only testing me.

“I don’t know…” I put my hand on my forehead, feeling a headache coming.

I suddenly remember seeing blood in my hands and abruptly stand up. Hanji stands up as well and holds me by my arms.

“Calm down, Eren…” She asks me with a gentle voice. “Sit down again.”

“I don’t remember anything…” I say, staring at her with my eyes widen.

“You’re doing okay. Just calm down and relax.”

I end sitting down and try to clear my mind. Why did I have blood in my hands? The smell of grass also comes to my mind and I remember being at the front of the house the party was going on.

“There were people looking to me…” I start speaking as the images appeared in my head. “And I was on the grass. With blood in my hands.”

“Where was your sister?”

“She…” I remember listening to her shouting my name. “She was holding me. Asking me to stop.”

“Right.” She continues writing down on her clipboard and, when she finishes, she eyes me with patience. “Eren, do you remember who you were beating?”

My mind refuses to accept her words. I wasn’t beating anyone. I wasn’t… It’s been years, I didn’t—

“Eren.” Hanj calls me, seeing how frightened I seem. “Eren, calm down and hear my voice.”

“I didn’t do that.” I can’t help starting to cry. “I didn’t.”

I hear Hanji sighing as I try to control my feelings. Things were getting clearer in my head.

“I went to look for Mikasa… There was an idiot holding her arm. I know she can defend herself, but my blood boiled when I heard him calling her bitch for not wanting anything with him. I couldn’t let him go like that.”

“And do you remember what you did?”

I remain a few seconds thinking about her question. It was obvious what I had done. Therefore, I can’t remember doing it. I remember what came before and after, but I can’t remember anything during it happened.

Exactly like my previous attacks were.

“I can’t remember.” I say in a murmur.

“It’s okay.” Hanji writes down some more and, later, leaves the clipboard over the table. “Eren, you broke that guy’s nose with punches. He also had a broken tooth and his jaw dislocated.”

My brain doesn’t register what she says, like I didn’t want to accept that I really did that.

“Are you aware that you could have been arrested for aggression? You were lucky to be already under treatment and your family proved your disorder at the police station so you could be brought here. Remember, it could have been worse for you.”

I didn’t have what to argue with. I knew what I did and I knew I needed discipline. That guy as well, of course. But the problem now was me.

“And where am I?” I ask with a weak voice.

“At the psychiatric ward of Trost Hospital.” She speaks gently. “I’ll take care of you during these thirty days you’re staying here.”

Thirty days. Thirty days isolated from society in a place full of mentally insane people like me. Or even worse than me.

“And what about college? I have classes—“

“Don’t worry about anything like that while you’re here. Everyone outside was informed and only wait for your return.” She tries to calm me. “Focus only in getting better.”

Getting better. This keeps spinning in my head.

I can’t get better. I’ve taken meds, I’ve been through a bunch of treatments. In a way or another, the attacks find a way of coming back. I don’t have control over myself, my body acts instinctively.

“I don’t have a solution.” I stutter nervously. “I can’t stop it.”

“You can, Eren. And you will.”

I wish I could believe what Dr. Hanji was saying. But it’s impossible.

Nothing will ever control the anger that blows through my veins and gets me out of control. Nothing.

~*~ 

There were dozens of rules to follow in this place. No cell phones, computers, sharp objects or strings, for example. I remain without my sneakers and my coat until my parents arrive with some clothes for me. Mikasa hugs me strongly, repeating a zillion times that everything would be okay. My parents also believe that. And I try to force myself to believe with them.

I could only get one visit per week, on Saturday afternoons. The only telephone I could use was the public one at the dormitories corridor, both to receive and make calls.

And, the most important: I had a schedule of activities to fulfill daily. My presence in each one of them was worth a point. At the end of my stay, if I didn’t have all the necessary points, I’d have to stay here more time until I fulfilled everything I needed.

Of course it wouldn’t be a problem for me, I didn’t intend missing any activity. Even though some seemed stupid, like “Painting” and “Exploring the world of music”. There was even one about dance. But I would survive.

I’m taken by one of the monitors, called Moblit Berner, to my room. I notice that none of them had doors, only a white plastic curtain, and worry about my privacy. When I arrive there, I see another guy, probably the same age as I, lying on his bed reading a comic book. Shit.

“Eren Jaeger, this is Jean Kirstein.” Moblit introduces us to each other. “You’ll share this room.”

“I...” I stutter lightly, watching as the other guy stands up and eyes me, crossing his arms. “I don’t feel comfortable sharing a room, isn’t there any individual one?”

“Everyone here shares rooms.” Moblit smiles. “You guys are going to get along with each other, don’t worry.”

Before I could say anything else, Moblit leaves the room and leaves us alone. Jean continues eyeing me, like he was trying to analyze me.

“What do you want?” I ask, not holding my tone and being kind of rude. I hate people staring.

“What’s your problem?” He asks straightforward, still eyeing me.

“Huh?”

“You heard me, what’s your problem?” He asks again, losing his patience. “Did you kill anyone? Tried to jump off a bridge? Ran naked on the street?”

“Hey, it’s none of your business!” I shake my head and walk to the free bed, on the opposite side of the room, and leave my stuff over it. I have a feeling that I’m not going to get along with him.

“I don’t want to share a room with a psychopath, so you better start saying what you have so I can stay away from you.” Jean sits again on his bed, but not stopping to eye me. “Spill it out!”

“Why don’t you tell me what you have, then?” I look at him from the corner of my eye, angry.

“Right.” He crosses his arms. “I have nothing.”

“Nothing?” I chuckle wryly and turn to look at him properly.

“Nothing.” He affirms.

“Oh, okay. Then why are you here?”

“It was all a misunderstanding.” He rolls his eyes.

“Of course, it’s always a misunderstanding.” I joke and turn my attention back to my stuff, seeing the shirts my parents brought for me.

“Now it’s your turn. What do you have?”

It didn’t make sense to lie like that guy was doing. Sooner or later the truth would appear, being it from me or any of the group therapy sessions. So it would be best to make things clear already.

“I have Intermittent Explosive Disorder.” I say it quickly, judging that he wouldn’t know what it is if I didn’t explain it.

Jean remains in silence for a while before saying anything.

“Social or biological cause?” He asks abruptly, surprising me.

“Mainly biological, even though some stuff that happened on my childhood helped it to get worse…” I answer calmly. “You know what it is, then?”

“Yeah.” He stands up and I watch him. “You shouldn’t get late for lunch. It’s also worth points.”

Without saying anything else, Jean leaves the room and leaves me there, a bit confused. But I shrug and continue organizing my stuff, placing my clothes on the small wardrobe besides my bed.

I’d get used to this place.

~*~

The cafeteria wasn’t that different from the one at college. It was only a smaller version with less people, but with a line and bad food as well. I feel like throwing up when they put that green glop on my plate, saying it was mashed vegetables. Who makes mashed vegetables?

With my tray in hands, I look around the cafeteria to find a secluded spot to sit down. All tables were full, some more than the others – like the one I mentally entitle “elders”, since there was only old people in it, and the one I call “possible criminals”, where were only bad looking people – so I’m forced to find a place left in any of the others. I walk around the rows, analyzing the people sitting in each one of them, until I find one with two girls of apparently my age. I think about sitting on the opposite side until I see Jean there. Without any other option, I walk there anyway, sitting in his front.

“Are you following me?” He looks at me, irritated.

“There’s nowhere left.” I mumble, placing my tray over the table.

“Tsk. I didn’t come here to make friends.” He rolls his eyes and continues eating.

“Me neither.” I shrug. “All I want is to make everything so I can get out of here soon.”

Jean only eyes me quickly and continues eating, not saying another word. I enjoy the silence while I eat to look around, observing the other patients. Most of them were adults, probably around my parent’s age. There were a few youths on separate seats and I start paying more attention to them. Some ate with difficulty, others had scars on their faces. I see a huge guy with an angry expression that reminds me of that the guy I broke the nose of. Two tables ahead I see a petite girl with long golden hair that smiles while she talks with everyone on her table. Her way of acting, seeming so happy and secure of herself, makes me wonder why she was here.

“Hey.” I call Jean, still watching her.

“What is it?” He looks to me, impatient.

“Why is that girl here?” I indicate with my head where she was.

Jean turns and looks to her quickly.

“Ah, Christa.” He turns back to his position and continues eating. “Don’t be fooled by her smile.”

“What does she has?” I ask, not worrying about being too nosy. I was just curious.

“She’s bipolar. Sometimes very happy and affectionate and other times very depressed and secluded. I’ve seen one of her attacks, it wasn’t pretty.”

“Gosh, I wouldn’t say. I’d think she’s a normal girl.” I continue looking to her, who was now chuckling at what someone said.

“The thing is, what is being a normal person?” Jean murmurs, mostly to himself. “Anyway, don’t be fooled by looks, especially on this place. You need to get used to this.”

Since Jean looks talkative, I ask him about some other people there. For example, the big guy, who’s called Reiner, was a schizophrenic. I’d imagine he had a problem like mine, not this. The looks really can fool us.

After lunch, I have two free hours that I use to walk around the entire ward. And it wasn’t big, so I take less than five minutes to discover all places. In the end, I see someone having an attack and having to be sedated to calm down. It was kind of scary.

On that afternoon I have the first activity at the arts room. I get there and find some people sitting around a huge table. After seeing me, the instructor walks to me.

“Hello, I see that you’re new.” She smiles and shows me an empty seat. “My name’s Petra and you can call me whenever you need. What’s your name?”

“I-I’m Eren.” I shake my head and sit down quickly on that seat, between two people I’ve seen already at lunch.

“Nice to meet you, Eren!” She hands me some white papers. “The colored pencils are for everyone to use, so you need to wait your turn to use them.”

“Ok.” I agree quickly.

Someone from the other side of the table calls her and, when she walks there, I watch what others were doing. The lady in front of me was drawing a house, and the sir beside me was doodling over the entire page some stuff that didn’t seem to make sense. I grab one of the colored pencils to do something but I can’t think about anything.

“Miss Petra…” I call her. “What should I do?”

“Oh, yeah…” She walks towards me again. “This is an artistic expression activity. I want each one of you to express what you’re feeling through art. So just put everything you’re feeling on this paper!”

I stare at the white sheet again and the green pencil on my hand. But nothing comes to my mind.

“But I’m not feeling anything.” I say, confused.

“Then draw what you’d like to be feeling.”

But there wasn’t anything I wanted to be feeling as well, so I continue watching the others until I decide to draw anything and end drawing my dog.

At the end of the activity, Miss Petra tells me I should relax more, but I don’t know how I could and go back to my room without thinking deeply about it.

Jean was already there when I arrive, again in the same position reading comics on his bed. He doesn’t even look to me when I walk to my bed and sit down. It was seven pm, still too early to sleep. But there wasn’t anything to do.

“Hey Jean, what can we do on our free time here?”

“You should ask someone to bring some magazines or any portable video-games for you. There’s nothing to do here.”

“Really?”

“There’s the tv room, but it’s always full.”

“And what about that games room?”

“Well, I don’t know any game you can play by yourself.”

“Wanna play anything with me?”

“You wish.”

Bored, I lie down and keep staring at the ceiling.

“How long have you been here already?” I ask.

“A week.”

“And you’re staying thirty days as well?”

“Yeah. Are you done with your interview? I’m trying to read.” He shakes the comic in his hand.

“Fine.” I mumble.

The silence mixed with the boredom ends making me sleepy and I end falling asleep soon after that.

At least I was still able to sleep.

~*~ 

My meeting with Hanji would occur every morning. I wake up too early as I had slept on that time and head for breakfast without even changing my clothes. And I didn’t even need to mind that; everyone here seems to spend the entire day on their pajamas.

I eat alone, since Jean doesn’t wake up on the same time as me, and head to meet with Hanji. She asks me the same generic questions about liking the place and having made any friends, and I only mention Jean. Not that I was considering him a friend, but he was the only person that I spoke to since I arrived here. She prescribes me some medications that I’d have to take every day before lunch and before sleeping and our conversation ends. I didn’t imagine it would be that quick and easy, even though it’s only the second day.

I don’t do anything until lunch, when I finally meet Jean. He doesn’t bother when I sit in front of him again, maybe already suspecting that I’d follow him when I saw him. Not that I always need company, but I like having someone to talk to if I want. Or if I need anything.

While I was trying to eat the glop of the day – a Bolognese pasta of dubious origins – I notice someone enters the cafeteria with Moblit. It was a short guy with black hair over his eyes, but that didn’t hide his big dark circles. Was he new? What did he have?

I notice that he badly reacts and only allows Moblit to guide him, who brings him to a spot on the back, far from most people. Someone brings him a tray already with food and, after saying something, Moblit leaves him alone.

It was weird the way he only stared at his plate, not moving a finger.

“Hey, Jean.” I call him, still eyeing the other guy. “Who’s that guy?”

“Ugh, Eren, I’m not your guide…” He growls, but looks on the direction I indicate anyway. “Oh, he finally left his room.”

“Who is him?”

“Levi. I guess he’s the person who’s here for the longest time.” Jean shrugs and resumes eating. “It seems like he doesn’t want to leave, he doesn’t do anything.”

“Do you know what he has?” I get a bit shocked.

“Depression, I don’t know. He never goes to group therapies and neither participates on the activities, so I can’t know for sure…”

“He seems apathetic.” I continue observing him. His face seems tired and heavy, like he never slept. “Why doesn’t he eat?”

“I don’t have any idea. I guess he makes photosynthesis, I never saw him eating anything.”

“Really? He’ll get sick like this.” Knowing this makes me troubled. How could someone stay like this?

“Tell this to him.” Jean says nonchalantly.

“I will.” On an impulse, I stand up, still looking to Levi. “He can’t continue this way.”

“Hey, calm down…” Jean looks to me, surprised. “Each one has their own problem, don’t get involved with his.”

“Some people need a little push, you know?” I ignore Jean’s lack of initiative and leave my seat, walking to the other guy’s table.

I felt that what I was doing was the right thing. And it was noble, in a certain way, since I was doing it for his own good.

Without hesitation I sit in front of him and stare at his face. Levi shifts his glance from his plate to me, still with the same expression from before. Morbid, hopeless.

“Hi.” I say.

He doesn’t reply anything and continues looking at my face.

“Look, I was watching you from my table and saw that you weren’t eating anything. And, since I hadn’t seen you in the cafeteria yet, I deduced that you haven’t been eating properly.” His expression remains  the same while I speak. “You need to eat if you want to get better.”

I wait for his reply, but he doesn’t say anything. Neither reacts or moves. Simply nothing.

“I heard you’re been here for a while already. You don’t want to get out of here soon? You get points for eating as well.” I try to explain calmly, still hopeful that I’d get a reply, and I don’t notice that my tone grows at each sentence I say. “Why don’t you try? This food only seems bad, but is actually good. You need energy to get better.”

Nothing that I say causes any reaction.

“Your name is Levi, right? Mine’s Eren. How old are you?” I try to make questions, but he only continues eyeing me. “Look, I’m only trying to help because I want to leave here, and I imagine you want to leave as well. But, for that, you need to eat. You need to stay strong.”

I don’t notice that people around watch us curiously, my tone having grown a lot by now.

“Why don’t you answer? Why don’t you eat anything?” I ask, placing my hands over the table. “You need to get stronger to get better!”

That’s when I feel a hand over my shoulder. It was Moblit.

“Eren, go back to your seat.” Moblit asks me, serious.

“I was just trying to help…” I explain, confused. “He needs to eat.”

“Yes, Eren. But Levi needs space. Can you leave him alone?”

I take one last glance at him and find him the same way from before. Without being able to argue, I return to my spot, where I’m welcomed by a distressed Jean.

“Are you crazy?” Jean scolds me in a murmur. “You can’t do that!”

“I was just trying to help…” I inhale deeply, grabbing my fork. “I can’t stand seeing someone like that.”

“Don’t poke your nose into other people’s problems and focus on getting better alone.” Jean says.

I look to Levi again and, for my surprise, I find him looking to me. Still from the same place, the same position. We exchange glances for a few seconds until he stands up and leaves the cafeteria without even touching his plate.

I guess I never got so puzzled by someone before.

~*~ 

I have the first music activity on that day, which was, literally, picking an instrument and exploring it – and that means, trying to learn how to play it without having any idea of how. I’ve never heard so many annoying sounds at the same time. I pick a guitar and try some notes I had learned, but the noise was so big that I give up a moment and only wait for the activity to end.

I sleep kind of bad that night, for some reason. I wake up with short time to eat breakfast before meeting Hanji, so I get in her room breathing heavily for running.

“Hey, Eren.” She greets me when I come in. “Sit down.”

“Am I late?” I close the door and walk to the chair in front of her table.

“You’re just in time.” She grabs her clipboard. “Oh, just before we start, Moblit told me that yesterday you talked to Levi on lunch…”

“Oh, yeah…” I didn’t imagine that she’d know about that. “I got worried about him. He hadn’t been eating, right?”

“Yes… But don’t worry about him, we’re watching him and trying to help him the best way we can.”

“Why is he like this?”

“He’s been through a very hard situation and wasn’t able to leave it yet. But you don’t have to worry about this, he needs more time and we’re here supporting him.”

I should convince myself with Hanji’s words, but I can’t get him off my head.

“Shall we start?” Hanji asks me, waking me from my thoughts.

I just agree with my head and she begins her daily questionnaire. How am I, how things are going here. Later she starts talking about my disorder and proposes forms of relaxation.

And I can’t focus completely on anything.

On lunch time, I sit with Jean on the same place from the previous days. I eat slowly, feeling no appetite, until the cafeteria’s door opens and it was Moblit bringing Levi again. Like yesterday, he’s placed on a table at the back and keeps staring at his plate without touching it.

Wasn’t he going to eat again? Does he ever feel hungry?

What has he been through to be like this, without wanting to do anything?

Maybe I shouldn’t have intruded like that. I guess I was too harsh, when Hanji said he needs time.

Does he feel lonely? Without anyone to talk to or to count on? Someone who goes with him to the tough activities and who supports him on them?

Then I decide to grab my tray and stand up, without saying anything to Jean. I notice that Moblit eyes me in alert, but I continue and head to the table Levi was.

“Hi again.” I say, standing by the table, and he lifts his glance to look at me. “Sorry about yesterday, I was stupid and rude. But can I sit here, with you?”

Levi continues looking at me, without saying anything. And I continue there looking pathetic with my tray in hands. When I realize he wasn’t really going to reply, I decide to push the chair in his front and sit down anyway.

“Sorry again, I don’t want to annoy you…” I grab my fork and slice a piece of the lasagna in my plate. “But I thought of sitting here so we can eat together.”

I keep focusing on my plate and eat calmly, like everything was normal and me being there was the most natural thing in the world. I peek at him and find him still looking to me, without touching his plate.

“This lasagna is great.” I say, placing a forkful in my mouth. “Gosh, today they overcame themselves.”

I finally notice a change in his expression: he eyes me with his eyebrows lightly furrowed. That makes me happy, since I never expected any reaction from him.

“Are you going to eat?” I ask with my mouth full. “If not, leave your piece for me because I want it.”

He continues looking to me while I eat, still with his furrowed eyebrows. I look back at him, trying to seem the happier I can for eating. We stay like this for some seconds until I point to his fork, mentioning for him to eat.

And he moves his arm. He lifts it slowly, with his hand tremble, and grabs his fork. He holds it in his fingers and slices a small part of his lasagna. I stop munching to watch while he puts the small piece in his mouth.

He chews. One, two times.

And stands up abruptly to run away.

“Levi!” I call, but he leaves the cafeteria and Moblit runs behind him.

I couldn’t leave things like this, so I decide to go after him as well and leave the cafeteria. I see Moblit trying to reach him while he heads to the rooms and follow them, until I’m stopped, in the middle of the way, by Hanji.

“Woa, calm down, kid!” Hanji says, chuckling. “Why the rush?”

“I need to see how Levi is! He ran away and—“

“Don’t worry, Moblit already went behind him. What happened?”

“I sat with him so we could talk and see if he felt more comfortable to eat, but, when he was finally going to eat, he ran away.”

“Oh, this has already happened, don’t worry.” Hanji calms me. “Levi has troubles to eat, Eren. That’s why he doesn’t.”

“Really?”

“Yes. That’s the reason I told you he needs time… For now his body is under so much stress that he’s rejecting food.”

So he has always been throwing up? This is horrible for his health. How would he get better if he continues like this?

“But… doesn’t he eat anything?”

“He eats, sometimes, in the middle of the night. Levi likes isolating himself and feels pressured with other people around. We need to be careful with him.”

“I know. I was just trying to help.”

“I know you were. But leave him alone now, ok?”

Hanji taps my shoulder and leaves me there, lost in my thoughts. Did I make anything wrong? What if I pressured him to eat, and, because of that, I made him throw up? What if I ruined everything?

I don’t feel like eating anymore to go back to lunch and only head to my room.

~*~

I don’t see Levi for the rest of the day and neither on the next day. I even think about trying to find out how he is, but I follow Hanji’s request and leave him alone.

Maybe he didn’t want any company. And I was being a nuisance, disturbing his slow recovery.

The activity from the next day was dancing. There wasn’t any specific technique; we only had to move our bodies on the rhythm of the songs they chose. And the genre of the day was jazz. I dance a little with Christa, who was dragging everyone who didn’t want to participate to dance with her. But later I only remain in a corner and enjoyed the songs without dancing with anyone.

When the activity ends, I walk in slow steps to my room. As always, it was still early, Jean would probably continue reading for the rest of the night and I’d feel terribly bored until I fell asleep.

At the corridor that leads to the rooms, though, I see Levi sitting on a bench near the telephone. I wasn’t expecting to see him so soon and end standing there, without action, until he notices my presence and looks to me. I gulp dryly and walk to him.

“Hey.” I stop by his side, feeling uneasy. “How’re you doing?”

He doesn’t reply and keeps staring at my face. I should have expected a reaction like this.

“You’re… waiting a call?” I try to chat. “Or maybe you’re calling someone…”

“I’m only here because I was prohibited of staying in my room.” He replies in a low and irritated tone. I didn’t expect to hear his voice so soon and that makes me very excited.

“Oh, that’s so bad!” I say, trying to show in my tone how happy I was. “Why didn’t you come to the dance activity?”

“I don’t participate on activities.” He replies briefly.

“But it was fun, I guess you’d like it… Today they chose jazz. I could dance with you if you didn’t have a pair.”

“I’m married.” He lifts his left hand and shows me his golden ring.

My ears burn and, for a second, I feel like digging my head on the land. I didn’t intent to look like I was hitting on him.

“I-I didn’t mean it that way…” I shake my arms in defense. “I was only trying to be nice.”

He doesn’t say anything else and crosses his arms, staring at nothing. I wonder if I should leave or continue trying to talk to him and end choosing the second one, since he finally replied me.

“Does your wife always come here?” I try to chat again.

Levi eyes me with an annoyed expression and suddenly stands up. He passes by me without even shooting me a glance and walks to the rooms, entering one on the end of the corridor. Did I make the wrong question? Did I annoy him too much by coming here?

I don’t get to any conclusion about this and turn to walk to my room.

~*~ 

The next day was a Saturday, finally the first one of visits. I call Mikasa in the morning and ask her to bring me some mangas and my 3DS to pass time, since it was impossible to continue in this boredom.

My parents and Mikasa arrive on the beginning of the afternoon and I go see them on the meeting room.  Jean was sitting in one of the couches with his mom, who brought some snacks for him and asked a zillion times if he was alright. I also see Christa in one of the couches, hugging a tall girl that brought her a bag probably full of clean clothes.

In my case, I get more clean clothes from my parents and Mikasa hands me everything I asked as well. Everyone asks me how things were going, showing all the support I needed at the moment.

In the middle of my parent’s questioning, I hear the door being opened and a ginger girl walks in to sit in a couch near the windows. A few minutes later I get surprised to see Levi walking in and going towards her. They hug each other and talk quietly in that corner. Was she his wife? I try to find a ring in her hand, but from the distance I couldn’t see anything.

Their conversation doesn’t last much and they soon bid goodbyes. If my parents weren’t still in the middle of a conversation, I’d surely run behind Levi to ask him about the girl. Well, maybe not ask him so straightforward like this, seeming so nosy, but I’d try to chat with him about this.

I only leave the room on the end of the afternoon. I walk around the corridors to try to find Levi, but I can’t find him anywhere. He was probably hiding in his room, like always. I even consider going there, but I give up when I see Reiner walking into it. So he was his roommate. Great combination, one badly stays in the room and the other never leaves.

I follow to my room and find Jean organizing his wardrobe carefully, folding his shirts and placing them neatly on the shelves. Probably they have been ironed by his mother, and I don’t fail to notice he seems thankful for that. However, when he notices my presence, he makes a ball with the rest of the clothes and stores them without any care, shutting the wardrobe closed in the end.

“Don’t appear like that, like you were a ghost!” He yells at me, heading to his bed and sinking in it.

“Sorry.” I try not to laugh and walk to my bed.

I place my things in my wardrobe and grab my 3DS to play some games. Since Jean was grabbing his comics to read again, I decide to lie down and play until I fall asleep.

~*~ 

Sunday was the day for special activities. I didn’t really understand how it’d be when Hanji explained it, but, basically, everyone was forced to participate and we spent the day together at the games and television rooms eating and socializing with each other.

On this Sunday we decide to order pizzas and do a small ping-pong tournament. Some of the older folks seem very excited, saying they were the best, so I don’t even get involved in it too much and let myself be one of the last ones to play – against Jean, who was by my side when they settle the matches and the order of the games.

I wait for Levi to appear, but he never passes by that door. The monitors check the names of the players and head behind the patients who weren’t participating, including him. Some minutes later he appears on the room, being brought by Moblit. He’s scheduled to play against an old lady who always got lost at the ward – and that’s the reason she wasn’t here yet – and later sits on a chair at the back, near the wall. I can’t avoid looking to him, and since I wasn’t being discrete, he soon notices me. But he doesn’t react, he just glances back at me for some seconds and turns away.

When the pizzas arrive and the tournament begins, I grab two slices and head towards him. I pull a chair and sit by his side, handing him one of the slices.

“I grabbed one for you before it ended.” I hold it in his front, waiting for him to pick it. “It seems good.”

He doesn’t react, not to accept and neither to decline.

“Sorry… I’m being an asshole, right?” I place the slice over the mobile behind us. “I don’t want to force you to anything, I’m just trying to be nice.”

“Why are you talking to me?” He asks without looking at me. His glance remains fixed on a random spot, like he was lost in thoughts.

“M-Me?” I stutter stupidly. “W-Well, I…”

He turns his head to be able to look to my face and I gulp dryly.

I think I should be honest.

“Sorry. I was just… I couldn’t see you on that state. I felt an anguish and urge to help you that I couldn’t control.”

“And why do you think you can help me?” His glance turns firmer and sort of mad.

“Sorry, I guess I expressed myself wrong…” I lose myself between words, trying to calm him. “I didn’t want to sound cocky nor anything like that. I just felt something and wanted to talk to you. I didn’t want t anything bad with it…”

Levi doesn’t say anything in reply and returns to look at nowhere. I continue very nervous, worrying that I had offended him in any way, and think about something to say to explain myself.

But the words disappear from my mind when he grabs the slice from the mobile and holds it between his hands.

“I don’t need anyone feeling sorry for me. I know very well how I am and how I seem on the end.” He murmurs, eyeing the slice. “But I’ll consider this as an act of kindness. You seem naïve enough to do something stupid like this.”

“Sorry.” I ask again, even though I was happy with his words.

“Stop apologizing.” He inhales lightly.

I can’t think of anything else to say and remain in silence until I decide to eat my pizza as well. While I chew, I see from the corner of my eye that Levi chips with his fingers a small piece from the slice and takes it to his mouth. He chews it a few times. And swallows.

I get so happy that he didn’t run away that I eat even more willingly.

“Oh, I saw your wife yesterday.” I decide to say, still with my mouth half full. “You seem to get along very well.”

“She’s my sister in law, not my wife.” He corrects me, taking another small part from the pizza.

“Oh, sorry…” I blush. “But it’s good that she came to see you! Does she always come?”

“Yes.” He replies without prolonging and eats the piece.

I get anxious watching as he eats again. But, as before, he swallows without running away. Beyond the relief I feel, I remember what Hanji said about Levi not being able to eat because he was too stressed. Maybe seeing his sister in law calmed him, and, because of that, he’s being able to eat with other people around.

“But what about your wife, doesn’t she come to see you?” I decide to continue.

“I don’t even have a wife.” He says coldly.

I’m not able to understand anything. Isn’t he married? How can he not have a wife?

What if they got divorced and he wasn’t able to overcome that, so that’s why he ended here? Or worse, what if she died?

“Hey, Eren!” I hear Jean’s voice and look on his direction. “Come here, it’s our turn!”

Surprised  and clumsy, I excuse myself and walk towards the ping pong table. I shot Levi a glance before we begin our match and find him watching us. This brings me such a good sensation that I end smiling to him.

I intended on playing just for fun, without worrying about winning or anything. But Jean’s provocations about my mistakes makes me so angry that I decide to give all I got on this match.

And Jean continued giving all he got. I never imagined participating on a ping pong match as intense as this one. I don’t get distracted for even a second, watching the ball carefully and avoiding making any mistakes.

That’s how I win for two points. Jean throws his racket on the floor, angry.

“You’ll pay me, Eren!” He shouts, making everyone surprised.

To end the scene, Jean pushes some people out of the way and leaves the room, shutting the door closed with a bang. I didn’t expect him to react this way, since it was just a silly game, and remain frozen. I think about following him to see how he was, but then I look to where Levi was sitting and find him still there. I don’t resist walking to him.

“Your friend seemed angry.” Levi says, sounding uninterested.

“Yeah, I don’t know why he acted like this.” I pass a hand through my hair, feeling uneasy.

When I think about sitting by his side again, Levi suddenly stands up.

“My match is the next one.” He explains. “I’ll play and go back to my room.”

“D-Don’t you wanna…” I stutter, hesitating. “Don’t you want to stay a little more? I-I guess there’s still some pizza left…”

“I think you should go behind your friend.” He tells me.

Levi passes by me and walks to the ping pong table. I wanted to stay there and watch him play, but he eyes me so coldly that I decide to really go behind Jean.

I find him in our room, lying on his stomach over the bed. I walk in carefully, trying not to irritate him even more, and plan something to tell him.

“What’s up?” I decide to be simple.

“Shut up, Eren.” He grumbles behind his pillow.

“Seriously, did you really need to leave that way?” I get irritated. “It was just a game!”

“I told you to shut up!” Jean abruptly grabs his pillow and throws at me.

Having a pillow hit me in the face doesn’t surprise me as much as what happens next. I hold the pillow to avoid it fell and, from inside the pillowcase, a bunch of pills fall on the floor.

“What is this?” I ask, eyeing the floor in shock. Some of the pills remind me of the ones I take.

“It’s none of your business.” Jean stands up, with his face red, and grabs the pillow from my hands. “Get out.”

He knees on the floor and starts picking the pills, putting them back inside the pillowcase.

“You’re not taking your meds?” I deduce, stunned.

“I told you to leave, Eren.” He grumbles, even angrier.

“Jean, you need to take your meds to get better!” I repeat the obvious. “Don’t you wanna leave here soon? Without taking these pills you won’t be able to!”

When he finishes picking all the pills from the floor, he stands up and grabs me by my shirt.

“Mind your own business.” He says slowly, huffing.

After that he pushes me away and goes back to his bed, putting his pillow over it and lying down again. I stay without any idea of what I should do. I didn’t imagine Jean would do this; he seemed so keen on the idea of leaving, participating on all activities and doing everything right. Does he really believe he doesn’t have anything and, because of that, doesn’t take his medication?

Without knowing what to do, I decide to go to my bed and lie down as well. I’d think carefully about what I could do to help him.

~*~

Jean ignores me on the next morning and doesn’t even look to me on breakfast. I head to my meeting with Hanji and she asks me about Saturday’s visit and about the ping pong tournament on Sunday. I tell her briefly about both, mentioning Jean’s exaggerate reaction and the fact that Levi ate the pizza I gave to him.

Hanji only tells me that I seem to be someone who worries much more about other people than with myself. I agree, even though I think I could do much more than I do.

By lunch, I spot Jean on the same place as always and think about sitting with him, but I give up when I realize that I didn’t know what to tell him yet. I wanted to tell him something that would convince him to take his medication properly.

Between my troubles of deciding where I’d it, I see Moblit entering the cafeteria bringing Levi with him. I only wait that he’s left alone and head towards him.

“Hey.” I greet him, sitting in his front.

He eyes me nonchalantly. “Why aren’t you sitting with your friend?”

“Oh…” I grab my fork and mix the food in my plate. “I went after him like you told me yesterday and… I found out a secret about him. Now he’s angry at me.”

“You found out that he doesn’t take his medicine?” Levi fidgets in his chair and looks to his plate, not seeming hungry.

His words surprise me. “How did you know that?”

“I saw him pretending to take them and later hiding them in his pocket. More than once.”

“Really?” I get pretty shocked. “What do you think I should do?”

“I don’t know. But if he wants to get better, he should take his meds.”

I think while I eat a forkful of my lunch. Should I tell Hanji about this? Jean would never forgive me. I’d like to convince him without having to tell anyone else.

“Do you take your meds?”

“Only to sleep, sometimes. And some vitamins.” He replies without hesitating.

So he only noticed that Jean doesn’t take his meds because he does the same. This makes me uneasy, but I don’t say anything.

After all, he knew he needed to take them if he wants to get better.

Doesn’t he really want to get better and leave this place?

“Why are you here?” I decide to ask.

Levi rests his elbows over the table and looks around. Later, he looks to me, seeming tired and uninterested.

“Doctors call it Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.” He says slowly, grabbing his fork to play with his food.

“Because of your wife?”

“I told you I don’t have a wife.” He rolls his eyes.

“B-But…” It still didn’t make sense to me. What did that ring meant, then? And when he told me he was married?

“My husband died six months ago.” He interferes my thoughts with his revelation. “Six months and sixteen days. I’d be counting the hours if I knew the right time of his death, but they didn’t want to tell me.”

I get speechless. I confess I was stupid for not imagining he could be gay, but what makes me more shocked is to know what he’s going through.

“I’m so sorry.” I say, the most sincere I can.

“Me too.” He continues playing with his food. “You can’t imagine how.”

I wanted to hug him when I see his eyebrows furrowing. Levi inhales deeply and places his fork besides his plate to rest his back against his chair.

“You should decide how you’re going to help your friend.” He says before sliding his chair back to stand up.

I don’t stop him from leaving, even though I knew he didn’t eat anything. All I can think is about the pain he must be feeling and in how he must be struggling to open his eyes every morning.

It’s a pain I never want to experience.

~*~ 

That night, Jean doesn’t look to my face again and I decide to just sleep. I spend the next day alone, since Levi also doesn’t appear at lunch. I get a little worried, but I don’t have time to think about how he was because I had to go to the afternoon activity.

After the activity, I think about passing in his room, but I see Reiner entering it and give up again. I think about going to my own room, but I remember Jean being angry with me and give up the same way. It was difficult thinking about some way to help him, since he seems to never listen to what I say.

That way I end walking around the corridors. I pass by the reception, by the activities room, by the games room… until I pass by the television room and surprise myself by seeing Levi sitting on one of the couches at the back.

I enter the room trying to be the most silent I can and head to sit by his side. The rest of the patients watched a baseball match, what doesn’t grab my interest even a bit.

“You like baseball?” I ask.

“Not even a bit.” He shrugs, uninterested. “I’m only here because I’m prohibited of staying in my room again.”

“That’s bad.” I find a comfier position on the couch. “But it’s good to leave there sometimes. By the way, I didn’t see you on lunch today.”

“I wasn’t feeling well.” He sighs. “But it’s because of it that I’m prohibited of staying in my room until sleep time.”

“Right…” I agree with my head. “At least you have my presence.”

He side glances me and rolls his eyes.

“Am I that annoying?” I ask as a joke, sliding to sit closer to him.

“If you talked less you’d be less annoying.” He turns to watch the television. “It’s funny that you ask me a zillion questions but you never tell me anything about you.”

“Well, what do you want to know?” I offer calmly.

“Let’s see…” He looks to me again. “The basic. Why are you here?”

“Alright.” I inhale deeply. “I have Intermittent Explosive Disorder. In my last attack I broke the nose and other parts of the face of a guy that was hitting on my sister at a college party we went.”

“Sounds dangerous.” He looks to me, still with the same uninterested expression.

“I get more worried because I don’t remember anything later. And I really can’t control myself. It’s very weird…”

“I’ve never heard about someone with this disorder. I imagine it’s tough.” He says, understanding. "I confess I can’t imagine you being violent, you seem so… nice.”

“I am, actually.” I laugh, embarrassed. “But some situations make me lose my mind. I’ve noticed it always happens when people important to me are involved.”

“Like your sister.”

“Yes, exactly.”

Levi fidgets and sits more relaxed. I mirror his position and get more comfortable as well.

“Which college are you attending?” He asks. I didn’t expect that he’d continue talking to me and get happy.

“Oh, at Trost University here nearby.” I reply promptly.

“I also studied there.”

“Really?” I get excited that we share something in common and don’t hide it in my tone. “It’s been how long since you graduated?”

“Around four years.” He thinks for a moment. “Five, actually.”

“You’re not that older than me, then. I’m close to graduating…”

“I took one extra year to finish my major, but yeah, I’m not that old.” He lifts his hand and stares at his own nails. “Do I look old?”

“Not at all.” I shake my head a few times. “I’d actually believe you have the same age as I.”

“How old are you, twenty?”

“Twenty two.” I reply with a smile. “And you?”

“Twenty eight.”

“See, it’s not that far.” I nudge him softly. “What was your major?”

“Design.” He sighs and looks at me.

“Hm, a designer…” I accommodate better, without breaking eye contact.

“What, do you think this area is silly?” He provokes, amused. “I bet you’re an engineer student.”

“No, ew. I hate math.” I grimace. “And no, I don’t think design is a silly area, it’s actually the opposite. It was one of my options, but biology came first.”

“Biology and design, you’re so eclectic.” He chuckles lightly. The sound delights me immensely.

“I’ve always liked a bunch of things… except math.” I chuckle with him. “You didn’t have trouble choosing your major?”

“It was design or arts. I kept on design just because of the market, that’s a little better…”

“Arts it’s also cool.” I continue looking to him. “Do you paint?”

“Just as a hobby.” He lowers his glance and looks to my shirt.

“I want to see your paintings someday.”

The door from the room opens that moment and we both ignore it, still focusing in our conversation. However, we’re forced to look away from each other when someone walks in strong steps towards us and stops right in front of our couch. It was Reiner.

“Where’s my letter?” He asks, almost yelling, looking straight to Levi.

“Huh?” Levi frowns, confused.

“You heard me.” Reiner snorts. “Where’s my letter?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He replies calmly.

Reiner gets even more fidgety than he already was, stepping from a side to the other in our front.

“Of course you know.” He says, starting to pant. “I saw the way you looked to the letter when I was reading it. It was you. I want it back now!”

“Look, calm down…” Levi sits straight and lifts his hands. “I guess I remember seeing you with a paper on your hands, but I really don’t know where it is. You must have forgotten it around, since you never stay in your room…”

“It was you!” He yells even louder, making some people decide to leave the room. “Stop lying and give it back to me!”

“I didn’t get anything.”

When Reiner moves to grab Levi’s arm, I stand up and push him away. His attention turns completely to me.

“Don’t touch him.” I say seriously.

“He stole my letter.” Reiner insists.

“He already said he didn’t get anything!” I explain, getting irritated. “You must have really left it around…”

“You’re going to defend a thief?” Reiner steps closer to me and I step behind, almost falling back in the couch.

“What would I want with something that’s yours?” Levi tries soothing him. “Calm down. We can help you to look for it…”

“You asshole…”

Reiner passes by me and grabs Levi’s arm, pressing it strongly to pull him up, and my blood boils with that. I can’t absorb what Reiner continues yelling to Levi, while he tries explaining himself with no success.

I look to Levi’s arm again and see it turning red from the grip.

I look to Reiner and see him shouting, with sweat coming down his forehead.

And I look to Levi, trying to keep calm to escape the situation.

And I can’t remember anything after that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading <3  
> Hope you look forward to the second and last part of this story :3


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